The Conscious Investor

Ep512 Conquering the Victim Mindset

August 05, 2024 • Julie Holly

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Are you ready to break free from the sneaky grip of the victim mindset? Join me, Julie Holly, on the Conscious Investor Podcast as we uncover the crucial importance of personal responsibility and mental resilience. Drawing inspiration from the ancient wisdom of Marcus Aurelius, we'll explore how owning our actions—whether they lead to success or discomfort—can pave the way to a life of personal freedom and heightened awareness. This episode promises to guide you on a transformative journey toward full agency over your life.

Ever wondered how to stay grounded when life throws its toughest challenges at you? In this episode, we delve into the fascinating science of the brain, dissecting how fear and creativity coexist and how we can manage our emotional responses more effectively. Inspired by Phil Stutz's "Lessons for Living," we'll discuss the dangers of self-criticism and the liberating power of self-acceptance. By embracing failures as stepping stones for growth, we learn to foster a mindset that transcends victimhood and unlocks our full potential.

Leadership isn't just about guiding others; it's about mastering ourselves first. We'll uncover the profound benefits of mental resilience in personal relationships and the significance of proactive support. Through personal anecdotes and lessons from influential figures like Jocko Willink, we'll explore how challenging practices and decisions build mental fortitude. From cold plunges to resolving household disagreements, discover how aligning your actions with your values can help you lead by example and maintain agency over your life. Tune in for a compelling conversation that will empower you to navigate life with resilience and purpose.

Access Julie's calendar, the investor club, Conscious Investor Growth Summit, social profiles and more when you CLICK HERE

Episodes referenced in the introduction:



Speaker 1:

Hello Conscious Investor and welcome back. I'm your host, julie Hawley. For over four years, I've paired my background in real estate, investing, education and coaching to create powerful content for you each week. This podcast is where we take a holistic approach to investing by focusing on three ingredients to a life of personal freedom health, mindset and wealth. We'll talk about everything from passive investing through syndication and how to use your retirement accounts to boost your investing, to mineral balancing and gut brain health, and into topics that cultivate your inner strength and resilience so you can thrive regardless of any of life's current events. And yes, those are all episodes currently available and linked in the show notes below. Join me each Monday for a mindset episode and later in the week for an interview with expert investors and health professionals, so that you can experience your greatest health, strongest mindset and build the wisest wealth.

Speaker 1:

Welcome back, or welcome to the Conscious Investor Podcast. I'm so excited that you are here today with me. It is Monday and this is our day to have a conversation, you and I, about mindset. I look forward to Thursday, when we'll have an amazing guest interview, but today it's us we're going to be talking about something that honestly feels a little bit tender to me is something that we can often really just overlook completely in our lives, and that is a victim mindset. I haven't discussed a victim mindset on the show in a really long time so long. I would have to do a search in my database to see when was the last time we just spoke about it. And this came about because I put a post over on my personal Facebook page and I simply asked hey, what are some topics that would serve you well to discuss over, you know, the remaining months of the year, and this topic of victim mindset came up. So I just want to give a super shout out. Thanks, john, for commenting and for recommending this as a topic. There are so many other great topics and guess what, if you left a comment in there, I've actually organized these topics into a sequence that's going to flow and stack and build.

Speaker 1:

Part of me wants to say this is going to be the transformation series. However, I'm just going to do episode by episode, but I think you're listening today, so you're going to know there's a little golden thread amongst everything. If there's a topic that you are still curious about, um, when we're finished with the series, then make sure you shoot me an email. You can shoot me an email directly at Julie at at iamacicom. That stands for iamaconsciousinvestorcom. So julie at iamacicom Pretty cool, right? All right?

Speaker 1:

So, as we dive into this concept of victimhood, we're going to talk about four specific areas, specifically owning our actions. None of these are going to be a surprise. Embracing our challenges, developing mental resilience and leading by example these are all critical foundations to the victim mindset and I'm just going to be completely transparent. As I mentioned a few minutes, a moment ago, this is an area where it's really easy to overlook and shift responsibility onto someone or something else in our life. But we're about personal freedom, right, conscious investor. We're about full agency over ourselves in our lives and we really have to be circumspect. We really must be looking and walking with a high level of awareness because of victim mindset. It is sneaky and it will just creep on into your life and you won't even realize it. I'm going to be honest, this is something that I realized I was probably noticing it beforehand which these things usually happen, where I start to notice something and then maybe there's a comment by someone and it really brings my awareness to like full reality. And so when John made that comment about victim mindset.

Speaker 1:

It really like linked up with some thoughts that I'd had about myself, like, okay, well, how are you, how are you navigating your physical wellbeing? Are you making excuses? Are you saying, well, it's summertime, so I'm just going to stay up late because the sun's out and I'm going to have a great time, and maybe not wake up and do the morning workout routine and all of that? Right, we can easily, easily make excuses in our life and avoid the things that are really important. We can do this in our relationships Heaven forbid, it's just true. Do this in our relationships Heaven forbid, it's just true. We've all done this where we've at some point neglected something in an important relationship to us. I understand about myself that sometimes I can be. I have high standards for myself and those closest to me. I will oftentimes impose those highest standards on them and it becomes a little unfair. So it gives me a reminder that I need to maybe ease up on myself, but I definitely need to make sure that how I'm communicating with those around me is in a constructive, you know, leveling up in a very constructive, positive way. We can also make excuses for our work. We could say, oh well, the economy is like this, interest rates are like that, this person's in office, these people are making decisions. They're just gaslighting me at my company and we can easily make excuses as to why we're not advancing in ways that we have clarity about.

Speaker 1:

We have to own it. We must walk with personal freedom and that leads really well into the very first section, and that is owning every single one of our actions. Is owning every single one of our actions. Personal responsibility, ownership of our actions. That is the foundation to living a fulfilling life. We need to take ownership of all of our choices, our actions and the outcomes. A lot of times we will say consequences and remember consequences can be good and consequences can be uncomfortable. Dare we even say bad and remember consequences can be good and consequences can be uncomfortable. Dare we even say bad? And so we have to take ownership over how these things work out.

Speaker 1:

There's a quote I have here pulled up from Marcus Aurelius. I love his work. If you haven't read Meditations, pick up a copy If it seems intimidating. If you pick up any of Ryan Holiday's works, you will find plenty of Marcus Aurelius spread and woven throughout. But he says waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be, be one, yeah.

Speaker 1:

So a lot of times when we're trying to own our actions, we're so busy hemming and hawing and talking that we're not actually taking action and showing by example and saying nope, this is how I want my life to be and nothing is going to get in the way of my life. Being that way, we have full agency over our life and, for those of us who live in the freedom that we are blessed and privileged with here in the United States of America, we really don't have an excuse to not be taking action towards the things that we are convicted and compelled to take action upon. And compelled to take action upon For most of us. I personally don't have any friends where their lives are being threatened, and I'm sure that that can happen. I don't think that that's a common thing where our actual lives are being threatened. That does happen in other countries.

Speaker 1:

Because we're pursuing something that we're called to do, so we really need to be saying because we're pursuing something that we're called to do, so we really need to be saying why am I making excuses and why would I allow myself to make excuses and to go through these motions in life that don't align with who I am. Here's a little bonus on this, and that is that when we are not making choices that are in alignment with us, we're no longer congruent. And if we are not congruent, oh my gosh, it's an energy suck. It will pull and drain all of the energy out of you. So if you are feeling a little more exhausted than usual, if you're feeling depleted, start looking at um or start asking yourself the question am I making excuses somewhere in my life? Am I somehow being a victim of? Am I somehow not making a decision and not living congruent to what I believe Absolutely critical?

Speaker 1:

This goes into our next section, which is embracing the challenges, and this is going to happen. Sometimes our challenges are a byproduct of choices and decisions that we've made, and sometimes the challenges are a byproduct of choices and decisions that we've made, and sometimes the challenges are byproducts of choices that others have made, or they might just be natural disasters. All sorts of things can happen that bring challenges into our lives, but we have to be ready to embrace every single challenge. Now here's one challenge that some people bring into their lives that you can eliminate right now, and you can free up so much bandwidth More than likely, you have this going on in at least one part of your life and that is in the back of your mind, thinking what will people think if I do this so often? We are our greatest barrier, we are our greatest challenge, because we're so busy thinking about what other people might think about what we are saying or what we are doing or what we're producing, and so we have this dialogue taking place Again. It's another one of those energy suck, energy drains that we can easily eradicate.

Speaker 1:

I went through this when I launched the podcast, as I was still a public school teacher and I was making a big career and life transition, and it was a matter of oh, do I talk about this? What are they going to say? Oh, you're a podcaster. Oh, good for you. I thought I was going to get mocked or ridiculed by friends, family, colleagues, whatever. I built this whole story up in my mind about what might happen, what people might say think or, you know, do towards me. What people might say think or, you know, do towards me. Guess what? We, our imaginations, are so powerful and we create that greater challenge in our life just by allowing this dialogue.

Speaker 1:

Cut that dialogue out of your life. Free up your mental space and just know, hey, whatever happens, I know that and you know, conscious investor, this is important to me. But I know I want to be vertically aligned. I want to be aligned with God. If I know that man team, god and I were in line, cool, let's go game on. We have to make sure that the challenges that we're inviting into our life are not because we're looking at the horizontal playing field, because we can become so obstructed by that, we can be so blinded by that, that we actually increase the number of challenges that we are bringing into our life. So I want to encourage you cut that mental chatter out right away.

Speaker 1:

And I have this great quote from Seneca, another awesome stoic philosopher, right, and he says it is not because things are difficult that we do not dare. It is because we do not dare that they are difficult we are bringing. He's overemphasizing this whole concept of we're bringing the challenge on ourselves. We don't need to do that. One more from Epictetus. He says men are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them.

Speaker 1:

So a lot of times we take the challenges that are thrust upon us or the ones that we put on ourselves because of our choices and we allow our imagination to go rampant. We allow ourselves to create these just extraordinary and elaborate you know labyrinths of what is this all about? And it's going to be so terrible and I can't do that, or this is what's going to happen, and it's all doom and gloom. I promise you, if you were living in the doom and gloom space, you were actually operating from a lower level of energy within your brain. And I simply put let's just think of the brain in two compartments, you know, lower upper. And if we're in that lower zone, we are going back to our primitive brain. We're saying, okay, we're in fight or flight, we are going to protect ourself, we're going to defend ourself. And when we are in that mode, we cannot adequately access the upper brain. And that is where all of our creativity, all of our wonderful solutions, all of the flow is up in the upper level brain solutions. All of the flow is up in the upper level brain. So we have to say, hey, imagination, cool your jets a little bit. That's something my dad would say. We got to cool our jets a little bit and we're not going to die. We don't have anything coming directly at us right now. That's going to take our life. We know where our next meal is coming from. We have a roof over our head. We have some clothes on our back. We're going to be okay. Calm ourselves down when we are in the midst of challenges so that we can move forward in a really constructive and productive way. We don't have to allow the challenges to overcome us and to suck us away. We can thrive in those challenges.

Speaker 1:

Recently, you know that I recently read pull the sticky note off If you're watching the YouTube, I'm holding it up it's Lessons for Living by Phil Stutz. I really value his perspective in his work because it provides some context as we are thinking about these challenges. I want to refer to his essay. This caught me off guard. It says how to Love Yourself. That whole concept and I need to do a whole episode on, quote unquote air quotes self-love, because that concept has been very much misconstrued and I think he really brings it on home with some of his concept in this specific essay.

Speaker 1:

Let me be deliberate, as we're talking about embracing challenges and imposing challenges on ourselves unnecessarily. Here's where I want to kind of tap into him. He says, and I'm quoting constant self-attack makes us feel secretly inferior, destroying the confidence to do new things. Most people accept this habit and the damage and the damage it does to them. Sorry, I'm having a hard time here today. Let me go back. Most people accept this habit and the damage it does to them as quote unquote, just the way I am. But it doesn't have to be. If there's an area in your life where you've been making that excuse, victim mindset, go back to number one on your actions. It's not just the way. You are Right, we have agency over ourselves. If there's an area where we want to grow or change and we are aware of it, now we have that opportunity to step into that challenge and enjoy the process. And yeah, it will be challenging, for sure. He goes on to say that.

Speaker 1:

Moving into a different part of the essay, he says self-criticism is our reaction to the failure to live up to our illusions about ourselves. But these failures are actually the most important moments in our lives. These are the times where we have our breakthroughs. Mistakes and failures are supposed to trigger love. So we have to have a high level of self-acceptance. All of this and I'm sharing this specifically with you as we're talking about embracing challenges and imposing so many challenges on ourselves, and I say that because most of them have to do with the illusion of ourselves.

Speaker 1:

We have an illusion about who we are in context in the relationships around us. This is a case in point as to in our close relationships, relationships where we might walk into the office and we see the same people every day and we have the same you know, uh, wave or whatever. Maybe it's around your house, but how do you respond to that person the moment they say good morning or hello, how we respond? Like we end up constructing a world within our, our minds about the world around us, and the world around us is changing on an ongoing, regular basis, and a lot of times we're not updating our mental database. Maybe and I know not maybe I will say if I were to go around and I was actually around some former colleagues recently and it was really interesting because I am such a different version of myself compared to those years ago and so if they haven't updated their context about me, they're going to approach me in the same way, and that makes sense. So we have to constantly be saying am I living in an illusion or am I staying current and up to date with who people are and how things are operating within this paradigm that I am involved with. Those challenges are actually just such a life thread. They are such a great opportunity for us to be able to grow and then develop.

Speaker 1:

Number three mental resilience. Some people like to call it like Jocko, he likes to call it mental toughness. Everyone will have a version of this, but we have to have that mental resolve and resilience to withstand things. I love, you know quote directly from Jocko is you control your mind, don't let it control you. I think this is why so many of the, the physical practices like cold plunges, even intermittent fasting, or having, you know, these intense workouts, you know, maybe a CrossFit style, so many people gravitate, in my circle at least, towards those, um, towards those type of physical challenges, because they know that there is a correlation with that physical challenge to their mental resilience.

Speaker 1:

I've done, you know, I've done so much, but I, you know, I I remember in my twenties doing my first century riding through the Sierra Nevada mountain range, um foothills, really in California, and doing my very first century. It took me all day. Let's be real. I want to be very, very clear with you, I wish I had a gravel bike, um, cause I definitely would have benefited from that for a significant portion of this. Uh, you know century, that I wrote, but I remember, at the just as so many different points, just feeling so beat up and my body just wanting to quit, just not thinking I can go any further. And then at the end, you know, finishing and having that satisfaction, and it put a very clear mental marker in my life of I put my mind to this, I ratcheted everything down, I buttoned it down, I locked it down. There was no escaping, I was going to finish.

Speaker 1:

You see, our mind is so capable and that's why we have to have this correlation. Our mind is going to control so much of our life that we, as Jocko says, we must be in control of our mind. Some of you listening that might mean you need to turn the news off. Maybe it means you need to stop listening to some podcasts, because the business plans and ideas that they are suggesting actually don't align with your business model and it's going to sabotage you right? So we have to be the guardians and gatekeepers of our mental market share, so that we are in control, always asking ourselves is this serving and supporting me, or is this going to derail me and take me further away? If we don't want to be a victim, if we want full agency, personal freedom in our lives, we absolutely must be in control of our minds a hundred percent of the time. We can't just be going through the motions oh yeah, that person's going to, I'll just whatever. We cannot be, you know, living our lives in that way because now we're not living, we're just simply going through the motions, following and creating a life that's someone else's life.

Speaker 1:

Now I'm going to tell you if you are in a relationship there are relationships out there where you know one of the partners is simply, you know, the yes dear, and this is very much. It could be either of the partners. Okay, I am a firm believer in happy spouse, happy house. It's not, you know. Happy wife, happy life. I don't like that expression at all. Can we all just burn that expression right now, because it goes both ways. So in either instance, we want to make sure that we understand where we are. This is just a little bonus on relationships, as we're talking about.

Speaker 1:

Mental resilience is saying am I showing up to the table or am I just following along and doing whatever my spouse wants. If we are following along and doing whatever our spouse or partner wants, we're going to find ourselves down the road, 10, 15, 20, whatever years, looking back and saying, huh, I did all these things, but I still haven't done the things that were really important to me, that I really wanted to do. That's your responsibility, and your partner is not going to know that you have something else to do if you're just contentedly going along with everything else to do. If you're just contentedly going along with everything, okay. Now, if you are the partner that is kind of calling the shots, you need to be making sure that you're also doing some check-ins, supporting your spouse and saying, hey, is there anything else you want to do? Is there? Do you have some ambitions in life that I want you want to share with me, like you want to share with me? You want to make sure this is a conversation, because usually there is one spouse that's going to be very confident and a natural leader. There's going to be another spouse that will be the natural follower, just kind of go with the flow, and so there has to be an opportunity for everyone to add to the pool of meaning, by the way, pool of meaning. You might remember we spoke about crucial conversations at book several months ago. If you haven't read it, pick it up. Go back to that episode. It's so good. So we want to make sure that we are developing mental resilience.

Speaker 1:

You can also develop some mental resilience. You know, I don't have a practice of cold plunges. I might, actually maybe I may, implement cold plunges into my life or cold showers just for the sake of I'm so resistant to it. I'm kind of realizing that maybe I'm just being obstinate and stubborn and a little rebellious towards it and maybe I want to challenge myself in a friendly way in that area. So find those areas in your life where you're you're kind of pushing back. Challenge yourself. Say why am I pushing back? Is that, is it a form of defense, like what is going on, to start teasing it apart? Okay, if you are looking for a way to bring mental resilience into your life in a very powerful way, please go back a couple of weeks ago. Listen to the episode with Dane Sanders, who is founder of Men and Women of Discomfort Fabulous episode and you can also Google Men and Women of Discomfort and you can learn. They will support you in developing mental resilience and you will be really deeply embedded into a powerful community. Wow, we are trekking along in all of these. You can see how they are dovetailing together, as we're talking about spouses and leading and listening to each other and such.

Speaker 1:

When it comes to mental resilience and not just checking out and letting other people call the shots in our lives, but being mentally fully cognizant, fully aware, fully in charge, that leads, dovetails right into this last element, which is lead by example. It's too easy to wait for someone else. Oh, I'll let them clean up the kitchen, one of the areas actually leading by example and this is funny and probably relatable to you conscious investor in some capacity, right, and that is super. At Steve's whiskers. There were some years early in our marriage where I would clean the bathroom and then the next day or that evening he'd end up shaving and leaving the whiskers all around and I would just be so frustrated and we'd get into a little tiff about it and it just wasn't fun at all and finally I realized I don't have to have this. I can simply clean the whiskers up. It's really not a big deal. It bothers me. I can take full ownership of this. I can rinse it down. We don't end up in a tiff. It all works out and I am leading by example. I'm saying this is important to me, I'm going to do something about it. That's going to have an effect on the environment everywhere around you. Anytime we take that type of ownership, it will affect everyone around you.

Speaker 1:

Some quotes and I know I'm going heavy on Jocko on this, but if you haven't read or listened to the Dichotomy of Leadership or Extreme Ownership, those are two key, pivotal books that really dive beautifully into leadership, obviously, victim mindset and mental resilience. I think that he is really one of the foundational leaders in that zone and he's really fun to listen to or read his books either way. Some quotes from him on leadership right, good leaders make hard decisions, so when we are leading by example, we really need to understand that that also is going to have a cost to it. Not everyone is going to be happy with all of the decisions that you are making something, because otherwise you're going to be really frustrated. You can see how this is like a ladder. You know you can go up or down this. Well, if we're owning our actions, if we're embracing the challenge and developing that mental resilience. We have the strength and capacity and bandwidth then to lead by example and to know, hey, I might be making this really tough decision, but I can withstand maybe some of the whiplash that is going to come from this. If you are leading in some capacity, you will be making tough decisions and not everyone's going to be happy. That's the reality of it and you have to be prepared for that. That's the reality of it and you have to be prepared for that. This is why it's really important to be walking and living with a high level of self-awareness, so that you know this is incongruent with me. I know that I'm operating within my values and so this is very clear the direction that we need to go and you also need to understand is very clear the direction that we need to go and you also need to understand Jocko.

Speaker 1:

Quote number two you already know what the right thing to do is. Okay, this is a funny example, but oftentimes and now it's happening to my guy, but super rad, steve, he will make a suggestion or I will ask his opinion. Do you think we should do? Steve? He will make a suggestion or I will ask his opinion. Do you think we should do? You know, do you think we should get this couch or that couch? And he might say, oh, we should get that couch. I'm like, oh no, I don't like that couch, I want this couch. How many times do we do this? We know really what we want. You're at a restaurant, you're trying to order a cocktail or your entrees, appetizers, whatever it is, and you really know what you want, but you hem and haw about it. No, stop wasting energy. You know what the right choice is. Okay. So I'm using really superficial examples because it's a little more fun and life is real. And so we're adults. We understand that there are decisions that we have to make. Where it's hard, it's really challenging.

Speaker 1:

I was just reading in Ryan Holiday's book Right Thing Right Now. If you haven't ordered a copy, pick one up. It's a fantastic book. But he's going through when Truman was navigating World War II. Those are a lot of tough decisions, but one of the elements he points out is he had a habit and practice of doing the right thing not taking money, not taking bribes, you know, using his own money to cover personal expenses and such right. So I just want to encourage you. You will know what the right thing is to do, and because you own your actions, because you embrace challenges and you've developed mental resilience, you're going to be able to take action towards making decisions about things that you know. This is the right way.

Speaker 1:

When we are leading by example, we always know there's no perfect plan. Right, check the ego, put it aside. There isn't a perfect plan. And, going back to embracing challenges, even if we have a perfect plan, there could be all sorts of things that go sideways, outside of our control, that come in upon us, and so we simply have to accept that this is the plan and this is the course. We will adjust, we will monitor and adjust accordingly and, finally, once you make that decision, whatever it is, as you are leading and you make decisions, move on. You don't need to continue to deplete and bleed out energy unnecessarily. Once you've made a decision, there's no reason to hem and haw oh man, maybe we should have. Oh, did we? No, you already made the decision and because you made the decision, a whole course is set in motion and things are headed that direction. So you need to make sure. All right, this is the direction we're going and we will monitor and adjust accordingly. That is a lot. You can tell I'm a little fired up.

Speaker 1:

This is such a really critical element and if you want personal freedom as a foundation in your life, if you want agency over yourself, these are the foundations for it. Be on the lookout for the little areas where you're making excuses, like my excuse. You know that takes place whatever the season is winter, spring, summer, fall. I guarantee I have an excuse why I need to go to bed earlier or later, why I need to, you know, change my workout from here to there. I can create plenty of excuses just based on the seasons, but that's me being a victim and the seasons they are not going to control and dominate my life. I know that's kind of a silly example, but I bet, if you start thinking about it and this would be my encouragement and challenge to you is to start looking at some of the superficial elements in life that are driving your decisions. They might be leading to levels of victimhood in your life and that's depleting your energy and it's taking away, chipping away, eroding your personal freedom.

Speaker 1:

Conscious Investor, this has been so much fun. I am truly so grateful for you. I've had so much great feedback and I just want to say thank you If you've been listening this far, I know that you are just a deep, conscious investor and I appreciate and value the time and care that you take to listen to the show. Please shoot me a message or leave even. What would be really super helpful is if you left a rating and review over on Apple podcasts. It's the only place you can leave an actual rating and review. But if you go to the main show page, you can scroll to the bottom, you can leave an honest rating and then you can click the teeny, tiny purple letters that say write a review. But those reviews absolutely mean the world to me and they fuel me, they encourage me and they'd say, hey, this is what's resonating. Or here's an additional thought on something, because, guess what? I don't know everything right, and so I love hearing your input on things as well. I appreciate you.

Speaker 1:

Conscious Investor, please remember that adventure belongs on your trail, not in your investing, not in your personal life. So please head on over to IamAConsciousInvestorcom and look into what we have to offer when it comes to investing in apartments and assisted living facilities. When it comes to coaching or speaking if you have an event coming up at your company or, you know, within your organization. Please feel free to reach out and let's see if that would be a good fit for our, for your organization and my speaking Cause. That's one of the things I absolutely love doing. I love seeing people in person and supporting them. Until next time, cheers to your health, your mindset and your wealth. Thank you you.

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Julie Holly

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